Nothing Much

I am just home from a morning walk around the neighborhood. It's a beautiful, cool fall day. The leaves are yellow and the grass is surprisingly really, really green. I started heading east, mostly because I had to drop my Netflix in the mailbox on the way. And I noticed that the sun was warm on my face. It was different than heat . . . the total body heat of taking that same walk only months ago. I was cool, the breeze was cool, but the sun on my face was warm. And that made me think about South Pole, where the sun is never warm. It's up all the time, but it doesn't warm your skin. The power of the deep cold cancels it out.

When I started my walk there was no one around. Not even cars moving on the street. And it felt strange and quiet and early, even though it's 10 in the morning. As I looped around, though, I found where all the people were . . . peewee football games. Four different ones were going in the park. Skinny blond mom's standing in groups. Sullen older siblings hunched way down in their lawn chairs. Thick, square headed Dad's yelling instructions from under their oversized football jerseys and ball caps. 100,000 SUV's in the parking lot.

Who would ever let those tiny little guys play football?

This morning I am dull and numb. I should be doing all kinds of fretting and stewing and mostly I am able to stare at the Facebook and hope that something changes. That's about it. I can't seem to even listen to the NPR rattling on in the background. Dull and numb and lacking any motivation.

In a week I will be leaving and I know that traveling and opening and enduring will take all the energy I have. Today I just want to sit in front of the computer and stare. Meanwhile my clothes are all over the floor of the bedroom, waiting to be wadded up and stuffed in every corner of my bags. I have shopping to do, letters to write. Check books to balance.

Bha.

I think I'll stare instead.